musical inclinations

By freshouttatime
so going back to spring break, i want to reflect and say that it was a very good time for me to rest and refocus myself to finish off the semester on a good note, Alhamdulilah.
I have noted that my iman this year was at a relative low compared to last year, and in my weakened state, i wanted to bring it back.
Every year, i catch myself getting to caught up into little habits that i know if i refrained from would help me better in practicing Islaam. By the end of spring break, i arrived to the point where i had to give up listening to music so i can fill my head with dhikr of Quran. Nothing else, just straight up Quran. This cold turkey phase from music was different than other years, i just knew it would be.

It happened during the tail end of spring break; i was reading hadeeths and some Sunnah related to the Last Days and the Fitnah that awaits the Muslims.
This particular narration just straight up killed me:

Hudhayfah ibn al-Yaman said, "The Prophet said, 'Islam will become worn
out like clothes are, until there will be no-one who knows what fasting,
prayer, charity and rituals are. The Qur'an will disappear in one night,
and no Ayah will be left on earth. Some groups of old people will be left
who will say, 'We heard our fathers saying La ilaha illa Allah, so we
repeated it.' Silah asked Hudhayfah, "What will saying La ilaha illa Allah
do for them when they do not know what prayer, fasting, ritual and charity
are?" Hudhayfah ignored him; then Silah repeated his question three times,
and each time Hudayfah ignored him. Finally he answered, "O Silah, it will
save them from Hell", and said it three times. (Ibn Majah)

I totally saw it played out in my head, something so surreal that this religion, this quest for truth
would no longer exist, and it would start with the sole divine link we hold; the Qur'an. From that
point, i was just like "eff me being a loser and whiny and not being a Muslim, I just gotta grasp the
truth before its too late, and i fall into the oblivion that is this life"
Often times i feel like i'm struggling and just reaching to achieve enlightenment, but it is my
shortcomings through sins and inaction that tend to feel like a failure. But its not absolute despair,
I learned this explicitly at the Retreat, that the Lord is Most Merciful, and there is no reason to feel
complete and utter despair.
So fastforwarding from the break to now, i've given up listening to muzik, something i used to do when
waking up, changing, doing homework, exercising, heck even when i'm in the bathroom i just turn up my
woofer and feel the room reverberate to the sounds of people, who like me are lost and searching for true peace.
I replaced music with Quran, and started growing addicted to recitors and styles again, something i've
come to take for granted since i first discovered this world last year.
At points i'm just like "eff i can listen to a lil bit of muzik now and then" but I remember Erakat telling
us during the halaqa, that when we make du'a for something Allah tests us, and my test was giving into
the literal whispers in my head to listen to a song now and then to get me pumped up or whutever.
I have heard music fleetingly over the week, whether scrollin through imran's ipod one night, or hearing
something in zanda's car, heck i even played a song for Hersha cuz it was all up in his head. These little
incidents culminated into today, where i had the strongest urge to give in, after a week and change of listening
intently to quran, and not lyrics for a change.
I've made some interesting observations with this music redrawal. As i walk through the street, usually accustomed
to headphones in my ear, i would start singing songs that i haven't heard in ages, just the other day i sang all of
Waterfalls, some creed songs and the like. Nursery rhymes even came into my head.
The other interesting thing is i also unconsciously drift into quran recitation and during work on sunday,
i burst out "wa itha JAHEEM u suyiraat"- And when the Hell fire is Blazing.
I'm always astounded by the workings of the subconscious mind.

I testify to the Oneness of Allah, and submit myself fully unto him.