(I)
Last year, my mother called me from the east coast and asked- "Son, let me know when you have time to join me for Umra."
"Maa you let me know when you're available and I'll plan accordingly."
Alhamdulilah, I realized the moment before me: in less than 12 months I'd have the opportunity to visit the house of Allah and the city of the Messenger ﷺ again. I knew the invitation from Allah came at the behest of my mother. I knew for sure that I needed to fulfill my duty to facilitate for her in order to hold onto the invite. I literally felt as though I was sneaking in on her coattails.
As I started exploring logistic options and packages, I also planned to begin the preparation of the rites and rituals.
Alhamdulilah, I was connected to an old friend, a true brother who calmed my concerns and made very clear that we should plan for our Hajj with the teachers at Qalam. He was someone I had known through my formative years- there was a time our religious practice and brotherhood were so intertwined that whatever was mine was his and vice versa. Similar to me, his parents had gone on Hajj for the first time a few years back, and this program attended to all their needs. The brother also told me he would intend to go and would be in the service of my parents in whatever was needed by them. The sign from Allah was clear and we easily squared away logistics. Now, I knew if I wanted to guarantee my invitation I should learn what was required of this pillar of the religion.
I earnestly reviewed the principles and rulings, reading and viewing Hajj primers, in addition to texts of fiqh (Ascent to Felicity, Shaykh Suheil Laher's translation of Mukhtasr alQuduri). My parents also consulted resources in their native language that easily demonstrated the rituals through videos and diagrams. It dawned on us that the journey, the sequence of rites and the time would make this more strenuous than umra. There was a sincere hope in Allah that we can go and fulfill our obligations such that it would be accepted. The excitement of the journey was coupled with a fear of whether or not I ultimately would be able to go.
Would we undertake the pilgrimage so that it would be accepted? Being able to connect with other would be pilgrims, albeit passively- made it feel like a communal experience. Webinars, Whatsapp groups, online forums- this was a sign of things to come in the Manasik days.
(II)
The day of departure arrived. Due to heavy traffic, we missed our domestic connection flight but I had pure tawakul. I made the sincere intention of answering Allah's call and knew that if He were to accept it, I'd find myself once more at the Holy House, doing tawaf with my parents. After landing in Istanbul, we donned our Ihram garb. I was excited about approaching my goal, something I had anticipated for the last 9 months, in reality, for years. Now I was aware of the weight of that yearning. Similar to how Muhammad Asad described his sudden pull towards Mecca-
Who are better travel companions than my wife- who knows my tendencies better than anyone, my mother- who to this day can calm me down and my father- who models a robust individual connection to his Creator?
Getting to the haram and walking towards the Kaaba was akin to a fisherman reeling me in- 8 months, 30 years, each time felt like the first time. Imam Ghazali reminded us being in ihram is to be in a state of dishevelment and that we are returning to our Creator.
Approaching the black stone, I remembered it is either a proof for us or against us- in that we fulfill the covenant that Allah took from us. Would we uphold the deen and play a part in the mission of the Habib ﷺ? I loved the stone because he ﷺ loved it. We began our tawaf of the Holy House in an effort to mimic the angels, who do the same of the house in the heavens. We are like the ones we imitate, so we attempt to be angelic. Circumambulating around the house, I recited the Tahlil, Tasbih, Hamd & Takbir. I felt an urge to recite Quran but I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with the emotion of being invited back. We completed our tawaf to the best of our abilities, rested, offered 2 raka of prayer and rejuvenated ourselves with the water of Zam Zam.
Then we headed over to Safa and recalled that our mother Hajar ran here in desperation. I looked back at my own mother who diligently and steadily went between the two hills. I remembered Imam Ghazali who advised us to consider Safa and Marwa as the scale of our good and bad deeds on the Day of Judgement and that we are running in between them.
At times, my iman was high and I was certain of salvation and also within moments I knew my actions can very well cast me down into ruin. I realized that only Allah can forgive and grant proximity to all that is pleasing to Him.
I was exhausted, the long day of transit was starting to sap my adrenaline. But being amongst the ummah, reflecting that there are righteous people amongst us gave me motivation to keep going and seeking Allah's pleasure through fulfillment of the rites.
We cut our hair after Fajr prayers, and the release from Ihram was cathartic. From missing our flight, to getting to Istanbul, looking for a place to change into ihram, making sure we were altogether, the long ride from Jedda to Makka, checking in to our hotel and then finally starting our rites, it was a long day. This was my third visit, and I mistakenly thought it would be easier but I was utterly exhausted and drained. I pray for its acceptance.
(III)
After performing umra I felt an urge to calibrate, get rest and prepare for the manasik days. I was getting sick and feared having the invitation rejected. I rested and then proceeded to the Haram, resolved to review Quran, which I could not recall in Tawaf. While engaged in Tawaf on the mataf I heard a reciter similar to the master reciter al-Husary. I turned to see a man, perhaps in his 60s reading from a mushaf and his brother steering him by holding his shoulders. The pilgrims slowed down around him and I think his brother noticed I was hovering with them during tawaf. His dedication to the Quran inspired me to have that same dedication to recitation. Upon completing my tawaf I found myself on the roof. Slept for an hour surrounded by two dozen pilgrims and offered my salah. Muslims were around me in worship, resting, socializing quietly over snacks and it energized me. I landed with our group and was treated to a lesson and recitation of Surah Yasin. Searching within myself I knew I needed to leave my reservations behind and set my intentions right.
On one of the evenings Shaykh Mubeen taught us the etiquette of making dua and this ground me with why we were here. He taught us to:
It was time for us to enter into ihram and set out for Mina. Walking through the tunnel towards our camp with the talbiya on our tongue felt natural. Getting in our tent I immediately was thrust in with a group of strangers. Once my father and I were seated I broke out the mushaf and got to work to emulate the dedication I witnessed at the haram. I disliked losing it on my tongue in tawaf and was determined to hold it. I felt grounded because others were doing the same. I was aware that my father was taking time adjusting into the tent- tight spaces and but was certain he would gradually acclimate. We knew the day that lay ahead and several generous brothers were warming up with each other and that spread all through the tent. At this point I still didn't know how much love I'd have for everyone there. I observed how others treated my father and that warmed me up quickly. Alhamdulilah. As I settled in the tent I met folks in our community- sharing my culture, my experiences and giving advice on staying connected to our purpose of hajj by being easy with the unexpected. On the morning of Arafa we set out for the mashaer train. The sheer number of hujjaj hit me. Labayk Allahuma Labayk! We're answering the call!
(IV)
Upon arriving at our base tent in Arafa, the sun was baking us. By 9AM, the sun's intense blaze dried off any damp clothing or water off my neck. I refused to eat heavy food but focused on staying hydrated. I reviewed my specific duas, completed wird al-amm and found my tongue moving with salawat. I sought to connect him ﷺ to this momentous day. I walked outside before duhr and felt the extreme heat, wondering how can I worship when I'm exhausted, my throat hurting and my head throbbing? Fortunately the brother to my left was engaged in dhikr out-loud. Again, I felt invigorated by the people around me. With renewed focus and wudu I recited Quran. Anticipating salah and the khutba, my father and I had a light starchy breakfast and focused on staying hydrated. After salah we knew it was “go time”. Duas during Arafa are not rejected, and the focus of Hajj is about the worship on this day. I had a moment where I encountered our shuyookh and found them in the tent seated on the ground, facing qibla and reciting the Quran. Their seriousness, dedication, and recognition of the precious time again pushed me.
I then began my routine- Quran, Sunna supplication, Quran, dhikr. I took a break to wash up and make wudu. As I left the tent there was moisture in the air. I found my wife and mother standing outside as a drizzle turned into steady rain. I stood with my family for a moment making dua- intending to hurry back to my tent and continue my routine. Too late! By the time I got to the mouth of my tent, it was thundering and I was drenched in the coolest most welcoming rain shower I could imagine. I faced the qibla and being led by Shaykh Mubeen & Shaykh Ahmed we were showered in the mercy of Allah and felt all doubt being washed off of me.
Doubt of Allah.
Doubt of His mercy.
Doubt of his khayr.
Doubt of the akhira.
Doubt of salvation.
Fear of the material world.
The rain washed us, the thunder calibrated and oriented our hearts towards the qibla, and the duas of the scholars put us in the company of those who the Lord is pleased with.
The planned routine was off but now all the personal dua's leapt out of the heart. The thunder affirmed it. Never before had we felt that enveloped in grace. It dawned on me that my father might be drenched, but I found him in the tent, protected from the torrential rain, but recipient of its cool breeze. As the rain subsided, I relished in the brotherhood of each of us helping wring out our ihram. Our day was not done. After drying our ihram I grabbed my dua book, reminding myself and my father to spend a portion outside supplicating in the manner of the Prophet ﷺ. I read the duas of the people who requested them of me. Hoping their duas apply to me and my family. It dawned on me the day is too short, I should not have used the restroom twice. I should make dua with more intentionality and sincerity. I made my personal duas again and knew I wanted to read the duas in the Accepted Whispers. I started it intending to finish it by sunset & confident that I would be able to before the blessings of the day closed. The hujjaj were shuffling between making dua outside in the mud and back inside the tents that had a subtle quietness to them.
We started mobilizing out of the tent but I read and focused on dua until the brilliant colors of sunset spread into Arafa. I read Mawlana Thanawai's closing dua as the sky took on a purple hue. A beautiful sunset, yet a sadness that the wonders of this day was coming to a close.
(V)
As we filed out of Arafa towards Muzdalifa, it felt like a replication of the Resurrection- All standing, waiting, wishing to get to the next leg of our journey. Would Muzdalifa be drenched? How do we fare in the crowds? On the way, met a kinsmen of mine and we chatted about his seasonal work in the holy cities. He refused my gift citing we were brothers flat out, but took it from a fellow Hajji woman. He repeated that we were kinsman and he couldn't, yet the reason I wanted my gift in his hands was because we were brothers.
Muzdalifa had hundreds of groups of people. We prayed isha and got to encounter the generosity of many in our group, on where to pray, where to eat, finding sleeping mats, water and where to find stones. Alhamdulilah one of the true blessings of this deen is with community. We left for Fajr and Mina early and arrived to our tents after our first round of rami to hit the jamrat. In stoning the pillars we were fulfilling the actions of our father Ibrahim (AS) in pelting Satan on his way to fulfill Allah’s commandments.
We had my parents in tow so getting through the rite with sincerity and correctness was key. Then we'd be relieved of being on our feet for hours. We arrived back to our Mina camp, and our barber was a young man from Cairo. He had completed his studies at Azhar, currently living in Makka, and served the pilgrims by cutting their hair to release them from their state of ihram.
A few more rites remained- up next was our Tawaf ifada. It was raining upon our arrival to the haram. We completed our tawaf and saee. Met more of our tent folk and felt a strong bond with anyone who experienced Arafa. That night in Mina, I lost my voice but was loaded with energy. I felt a pull to pray at Masjid alKhayf out of an overwhelming desire to follow in the Prophet's ﷺ footsteps. This was where he ﷺ camped with the sahaba, the site where 70 prophets of old had prayed. At 2AM myself and a dear brother from our tent set off. The Mina camps were alive and running. It hit me once again, the size of the umma- the faces and the cultures of this umma, and the sheer determination to be in this place, at this time, all to seek the pleasure of Allah.
Getting to Khayf was similar to the experience at AlHajar aswad. The gates were shut, and the guards tried to break up the crowds- but the bantering back and forth, the swelling of the hujjaj; made it clear no one was leaving until we could offer our salah inside. I recalled what he ﷺ said here in regards to settling for the hereafter vs the dunya-
“Allah will set right the affairs of the person whose prime concern is the Aakhirah (Hereafter), Allah will also grant him self-sufficiency and the world will humble itself before him. As for the person whose prime concern is this world, Allah will scatter his affairs, place poverty in front of him and all he will get of this world will be what has been predestined for him.“
Finally, the guards let people out in throngs and when we were able to enter, it was a mob- the closest I felt to being trampled by my own people. Squeezed, sweaty and pulled at the limbs, Alhamdulilah we made it inside.
We found a spot towards the front and was able to take in the scene: Hujjaj everywhere! Sleeping, resting, worshipping, spending the better part of the night here. I offered some raka and went back to Quran. Leaving after Fajr we were welcomed with the colors of sunrise and felt a bit of the heat of the day to bake us. The following day was light and resting made most sense. The bonds in the tent were high as was in general with the hujjaj.
Unexpectedly, it rained very hard that afternoon and we worked together to make sure our tent did not flood. While we were busy clearing out our path, we got word that our scholars had taken buckets, bowls anything to scoop water with and were clearing out the path in front of the sisters' tents.
As a group, we followed our imams for the 2nd day of stoning at Jamrat. Our worship followed the lead of our scholars, and we presented ourselves to our Creator. We ask for its acceptance!
That night again my desire to see the hujjaj enroute to khayf overwhelmed me. I took my time and walked to see people, tents- exchanging pleasantries and reflected on the scale of believers. Khayf's doors were opened but nary a space to sleep. I squeezed in between a few who were lightly sleeping and assured them I'm not planning to sleep and cause more of a land grab. I offered my salah, made dua and headed back to camp. By then salawat was dripping off the tongue in preparation for the trip to Madina. As we prepared for our final tawaf- tawaf wida we arrived back at the haram. It was hot. The motion and buzz of Makkah was electrifying. The Kaaba was awe inspiring and grand sight for the eyes. I wished to visit Jannatul Mualla but our timing with buses would make it impossible. However my unspoken inclination was heard and our bus stopped in front of the cemetery. I imagined the wife of the Habib ﷺ, his uncle, grandfather and mother to be there, (rA).
(VI)
We now set for Madina to visit the city of the Habib ﷺ. I was advised to increase salawat, to lower my voice and give in charity when visiting the Prophet ﷺ. We embarked on the brand new high speed Haramain train. We were the first group of Hujjaj to use the service. The train was quiet, clean, fast and had staffers ready to help with anything or answer any questions the hujjaj had. My mother lost her bag on the platform, and the moment she realized it, before we could go back to search for it, a staffer ran over with her purse. The hospitality and ease of everything really softened us for our next destination. Peering out the window as we were going 100MPH I reflected on the Prophet’s ﷺ hijra through the rugged and rocky desert. Being able to partake in small parts of his life, in wildly different formats- on camel vs. train, in secret vs. openly, was humbling. We were welcomed by the Hajj ministry on arrival, a very easy welcome to Madina Munawara.
We were reminded at some point of our journey- that Makka is where Allah breaks down our nafs and inclinations towards the dunya until we're left alone and can only turn to Allah. In Madina we heal in the presence of the Messenger ﷺ who taught us, purified us and seeks forgiveness for us:
We did not send any Messenger but to be obeyed by the leave of Allah. Had they, after having wronged themselves, come to you and sought forgiveness from Allah, and had the Messenger prayed for their forgiveness, they would certainly have found Allah Most-Relenting, Very-Merciful. 4:64
The time in Madina was calm. The days were short but the moments were filled with blessings. In the Rowda between the apartment of the Prophet ﷺ and the Mimbar from where he ﷺ preached our group spent time there with dua, Quran and Salah.
(VII)
The mornings passed with visits to the cemetery- Jannatul Baqi, making dua that we are buried amongst them, and resurrected alongside Habib ﷺ. On one of the evenings we took a walking tour of Madina, visiting places where historic decisions were made (the wells, the garden, Eid salah). All this was a means to connect our hearts with the sunna and the life of the Prophet ﷺ. On our last days of group activities we toured the first mosque established in Quba by the Prophet ﷺ himself, Mount Uhud- stopping in the heat to see the mountain which is a mountain of paradise. In our individual time we made frequent visits to the Prophet's ﷺ grave and utilized litanies and greetings from our scholars. One of the subtleties of being in Madina is realizing how much the Prophet ﷺ made his mission to take care of people, and all kinds of people- poor, wealthy, young and old, beggars and the privileged. I witnessed this by the diversity of people who made ziyara to convey their love and salaam to him ﷺ. The community was friendly to each other and strangers became friends.
The last hours in Madina were bittersweet. A minor escape from the dunya to be in Madina and knowing fully well the return to society where not everything explicitly revolves around the 5 prayers, ziyara and reviewing the scripture. The practices were meant to be sustained on our return.
We pray for the invitation again and that Allah accepts our efforts and overlook our shortcomings. We ask to be in the company of the righteous and that we are recognized by our Prophet ﷺ on the Day of Resurrection as his followers. All praise is for Allah. Oh Allah send your peace and blessings upon our Messenger Muhammad, his companions, family and all those who follow in his way.
Last year, my mother called me from the east coast and asked- "Son, let me know when you have time to join me for Umra."
"Maa you let me know when you're available and I'll plan accordingly."
Several people from our community went for Hajj that year, but my parents couldn't make it then.
This was a test run to see if my parents could handle the rigors of Umra, get a feel for being at the House of Allah and the city of our Prophet ﷺ.
One moment I vividly remember- both my parents remarked that at the House of Allah, there is always somebody in worship of Him. This is intrinsic to the nature of Islam. It is a subtle but amazing reflection that comes to people who witness the House.
We were all keen on fulfilling the rites according to the Sunna and did our best to fulfill our acts of worship. It was a spiritual experience to share with the two people who taught me the fundamentals of what I believed as a child and how to worship according to the Sunna.
Shortly after returning from Umra, I got another one of those mother calls, this time knowing what to expect: "Son, lets plan for Hajj, start researching how to get there."
This was a test run to see if my parents could handle the rigors of Umra, get a feel for being at the House of Allah and the city of our Prophet ﷺ.
One moment I vividly remember- both my parents remarked that at the House of Allah, there is always somebody in worship of Him. This is intrinsic to the nature of Islam. It is a subtle but amazing reflection that comes to people who witness the House.
We were all keen on fulfilling the rites according to the Sunna and did our best to fulfill our acts of worship. It was a spiritual experience to share with the two people who taught me the fundamentals of what I believed as a child and how to worship according to the Sunna.
Shortly after returning from Umra, I got another one of those mother calls, this time knowing what to expect: "Son, lets plan for Hajj, start researching how to get there."
Alhamdulilah, I realized the moment before me: in less than 12 months I'd have the opportunity to visit the house of Allah and the city of the Messenger ﷺ again. I knew the invitation from Allah came at the behest of my mother. I knew for sure that I needed to fulfill my duty to facilitate for her in order to hold onto the invite. I literally felt as though I was sneaking in on her coattails.
As I started exploring logistic options and packages, I also planned to begin the preparation of the rites and rituals.
Alhamdulilah, I was connected to an old friend, a true brother who calmed my concerns and made very clear that we should plan for our Hajj with the teachers at Qalam. He was someone I had known through my formative years- there was a time our religious practice and brotherhood were so intertwined that whatever was mine was his and vice versa. Similar to me, his parents had gone on Hajj for the first time a few years back, and this program attended to all their needs. The brother also told me he would intend to go and would be in the service of my parents in whatever was needed by them. The sign from Allah was clear and we easily squared away logistics. Now, I knew if I wanted to guarantee my invitation I should learn what was required of this pillar of the religion.
I earnestly reviewed the principles and rulings, reading and viewing Hajj primers, in addition to texts of fiqh (Ascent to Felicity, Shaykh Suheil Laher's translation of Mukhtasr alQuduri). My parents also consulted resources in their native language that easily demonstrated the rituals through videos and diagrams. It dawned on us that the journey, the sequence of rites and the time would make this more strenuous than umra. There was a sincere hope in Allah that we can go and fulfill our obligations such that it would be accepted. The excitement of the journey was coupled with a fear of whether or not I ultimately would be able to go.
Would we undertake the pilgrimage so that it would be accepted? Being able to connect with other would be pilgrims, albeit passively- made it feel like a communal experience. Webinars, Whatsapp groups, online forums- this was a sign of things to come in the Manasik days.
(II)
The day of departure arrived. Due to heavy traffic, we missed our domestic connection flight but I had pure tawakul. I made the sincere intention of answering Allah's call and knew that if He were to accept it, I'd find myself once more at the Holy House, doing tawaf with my parents. After landing in Istanbul, we donned our Ihram garb. I was excited about approaching my goal, something I had anticipated for the last 9 months, in reality, for years. Now I was aware of the weight of that yearning. Similar to how Muhammad Asad described his sudden pull towards Mecca-
"we allow ourselves to be blown by the winds because we do know what we want: our hearts know it, even if our thoughts are sometimes slow to follow - but in the end they do catch up with our hearts and then we think we have made the decision."
Who are better travel companions than my wife- who knows my tendencies better than anyone, my mother- who to this day can calm me down and my father- who models a robust individual connection to his Creator?
Getting to the haram and walking towards the Kaaba was akin to a fisherman reeling me in- 8 months, 30 years, each time felt like the first time. Imam Ghazali reminded us being in ihram is to be in a state of dishevelment and that we are returning to our Creator.
Approaching the black stone, I remembered it is either a proof for us or against us- in that we fulfill the covenant that Allah took from us. Would we uphold the deen and play a part in the mission of the Habib ﷺ? I loved the stone because he ﷺ loved it. We began our tawaf of the Holy House in an effort to mimic the angels, who do the same of the house in the heavens. We are like the ones we imitate, so we attempt to be angelic. Circumambulating around the house, I recited the Tahlil, Tasbih, Hamd & Takbir. I felt an urge to recite Quran but I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with the emotion of being invited back. We completed our tawaf to the best of our abilities, rested, offered 2 raka of prayer and rejuvenated ourselves with the water of Zam Zam.
Then we headed over to Safa and recalled that our mother Hajar ran here in desperation. I looked back at my own mother who diligently and steadily went between the two hills. I remembered Imam Ghazali who advised us to consider Safa and Marwa as the scale of our good and bad deeds on the Day of Judgement and that we are running in between them.
At times, my iman was high and I was certain of salvation and also within moments I knew my actions can very well cast me down into ruin. I realized that only Allah can forgive and grant proximity to all that is pleasing to Him.
I was exhausted, the long day of transit was starting to sap my adrenaline. But being amongst the ummah, reflecting that there are righteous people amongst us gave me motivation to keep going and seeking Allah's pleasure through fulfillment of the rites.
We cut our hair after Fajr prayers, and the release from Ihram was cathartic. From missing our flight, to getting to Istanbul, looking for a place to change into ihram, making sure we were altogether, the long ride from Jedda to Makka, checking in to our hotel and then finally starting our rites, it was a long day. This was my third visit, and I mistakenly thought it would be easier but I was utterly exhausted and drained. I pray for its acceptance.
(III)
After performing umra I felt an urge to calibrate, get rest and prepare for the manasik days. I was getting sick and feared having the invitation rejected. I rested and then proceeded to the Haram, resolved to review Quran, which I could not recall in Tawaf. While engaged in Tawaf on the mataf I heard a reciter similar to the master reciter al-Husary. I turned to see a man, perhaps in his 60s reading from a mushaf and his brother steering him by holding his shoulders. The pilgrims slowed down around him and I think his brother noticed I was hovering with them during tawaf. His dedication to the Quran inspired me to have that same dedication to recitation. Upon completing my tawaf I found myself on the roof. Slept for an hour surrounded by two dozen pilgrims and offered my salah. Muslims were around me in worship, resting, socializing quietly over snacks and it energized me. I landed with our group and was treated to a lesson and recitation of Surah Yasin. Searching within myself I knew I needed to leave my reservations behind and set my intentions right.
On one of the evenings Shaykh Mubeen taught us the etiquette of making dua and this ground me with why we were here. He taught us to:
- Praise our Creator- by reciting the Fatiha, or calling on his Names
- Express gratitude to Allah for the immense bounties granted to us
- To praise his beloved, our Prophet ﷺ through salawat, durood, and recalling moments in his life- that he was orphaned at a young age, that he lost his wife, uncle and was rejected by people in the same year
- Pray for the umma, by recalling locations, and the tribulations they are facing
- Pray for those who deserve your dua- your parents, your family, your friends, those who have done favors for you, and anyone you may have hurt
- Pray for forgiveness from minor and major sins and hoping that Allah would forgive you if you repented
- Pray for the things that will get you success- ability to offer prayers, removing anger, backbiting and vices, dying in a state of Islam
- Pray for your worldly affairs, as long as they are permissible
- Pray for anything the Prophet ﷺ asked for, protection from the things he sought protection for
- To praise the Prophet ﷺ with salawat
- Praise our Creator
It was time for us to enter into ihram and set out for Mina. Walking through the tunnel towards our camp with the talbiya on our tongue felt natural. Getting in our tent I immediately was thrust in with a group of strangers. Once my father and I were seated I broke out the mushaf and got to work to emulate the dedication I witnessed at the haram. I disliked losing it on my tongue in tawaf and was determined to hold it. I felt grounded because others were doing the same. I was aware that my father was taking time adjusting into the tent- tight spaces and but was certain he would gradually acclimate. We knew the day that lay ahead and several generous brothers were warming up with each other and that spread all through the tent. At this point I still didn't know how much love I'd have for everyone there. I observed how others treated my father and that warmed me up quickly. Alhamdulilah. As I settled in the tent I met folks in our community- sharing my culture, my experiences and giving advice on staying connected to our purpose of hajj by being easy with the unexpected. On the morning of Arafa we set out for the mashaer train. The sheer number of hujjaj hit me. Labayk Allahuma Labayk! We're answering the call!
(IV)
Upon arriving at our base tent in Arafa, the sun was baking us. By 9AM, the sun's intense blaze dried off any damp clothing or water off my neck. I refused to eat heavy food but focused on staying hydrated. I reviewed my specific duas, completed wird al-amm and found my tongue moving with salawat. I sought to connect him ﷺ to this momentous day. I walked outside before duhr and felt the extreme heat, wondering how can I worship when I'm exhausted, my throat hurting and my head throbbing? Fortunately the brother to my left was engaged in dhikr out-loud. Again, I felt invigorated by the people around me. With renewed focus and wudu I recited Quran. Anticipating salah and the khutba, my father and I had a light starchy breakfast and focused on staying hydrated. After salah we knew it was “go time”. Duas during Arafa are not rejected, and the focus of Hajj is about the worship on this day. I had a moment where I encountered our shuyookh and found them in the tent seated on the ground, facing qibla and reciting the Quran. Their seriousness, dedication, and recognition of the precious time again pushed me.
I then began my routine- Quran, Sunna supplication, Quran, dhikr. I took a break to wash up and make wudu. As I left the tent there was moisture in the air. I found my wife and mother standing outside as a drizzle turned into steady rain. I stood with my family for a moment making dua- intending to hurry back to my tent and continue my routine. Too late! By the time I got to the mouth of my tent, it was thundering and I was drenched in the coolest most welcoming rain shower I could imagine. I faced the qibla and being led by Shaykh Mubeen & Shaykh Ahmed we were showered in the mercy of Allah and felt all doubt being washed off of me.
Doubt of Allah.
Doubt of His mercy.
Doubt of his khayr.
Doubt of the akhira.
Doubt of salvation.
Fear of the material world.
The rain washed us, the thunder calibrated and oriented our hearts towards the qibla, and the duas of the scholars put us in the company of those who the Lord is pleased with.
The planned routine was off but now all the personal dua's leapt out of the heart. The thunder affirmed it. Never before had we felt that enveloped in grace. It dawned on me that my father might be drenched, but I found him in the tent, protected from the torrential rain, but recipient of its cool breeze. As the rain subsided, I relished in the brotherhood of each of us helping wring out our ihram. Our day was not done. After drying our ihram I grabbed my dua book, reminding myself and my father to spend a portion outside supplicating in the manner of the Prophet ﷺ. I read the duas of the people who requested them of me. Hoping their duas apply to me and my family. It dawned on me the day is too short, I should not have used the restroom twice. I should make dua with more intentionality and sincerity. I made my personal duas again and knew I wanted to read the duas in the Accepted Whispers. I started it intending to finish it by sunset & confident that I would be able to before the blessings of the day closed. The hujjaj were shuffling between making dua outside in the mud and back inside the tents that had a subtle quietness to them.
We started mobilizing out of the tent but I read and focused on dua until the brilliant colors of sunset spread into Arafa. I read Mawlana Thanawai's closing dua as the sky took on a purple hue. A beautiful sunset, yet a sadness that the wonders of this day was coming to a close.
(V)
As we filed out of Arafa towards Muzdalifa, it felt like a replication of the Resurrection- All standing, waiting, wishing to get to the next leg of our journey. Would Muzdalifa be drenched? How do we fare in the crowds? On the way, met a kinsmen of mine and we chatted about his seasonal work in the holy cities. He refused my gift citing we were brothers flat out, but took it from a fellow Hajji woman. He repeated that we were kinsman and he couldn't, yet the reason I wanted my gift in his hands was because we were brothers.
Muzdalifa had hundreds of groups of people. We prayed isha and got to encounter the generosity of many in our group, on where to pray, where to eat, finding sleeping mats, water and where to find stones. Alhamdulilah one of the true blessings of this deen is with community. We left for Fajr and Mina early and arrived to our tents after our first round of rami to hit the jamrat. In stoning the pillars we were fulfilling the actions of our father Ibrahim (AS) in pelting Satan on his way to fulfill Allah’s commandments.
We had my parents in tow so getting through the rite with sincerity and correctness was key. Then we'd be relieved of being on our feet for hours. We arrived back to our Mina camp, and our barber was a young man from Cairo. He had completed his studies at Azhar, currently living in Makka, and served the pilgrims by cutting their hair to release them from their state of ihram.
A few more rites remained- up next was our Tawaf ifada. It was raining upon our arrival to the haram. We completed our tawaf and saee. Met more of our tent folk and felt a strong bond with anyone who experienced Arafa. That night in Mina, I lost my voice but was loaded with energy. I felt a pull to pray at Masjid alKhayf out of an overwhelming desire to follow in the Prophet's ﷺ footsteps. This was where he ﷺ camped with the sahaba, the site where 70 prophets of old had prayed. At 2AM myself and a dear brother from our tent set off. The Mina camps were alive and running. It hit me once again, the size of the umma- the faces and the cultures of this umma, and the sheer determination to be in this place, at this time, all to seek the pleasure of Allah.
Getting to Khayf was similar to the experience at AlHajar aswad. The gates were shut, and the guards tried to break up the crowds- but the bantering back and forth, the swelling of the hujjaj; made it clear no one was leaving until we could offer our salah inside. I recalled what he ﷺ said here in regards to settling for the hereafter vs the dunya-
“Allah will set right the affairs of the person whose prime concern is the Aakhirah (Hereafter), Allah will also grant him self-sufficiency and the world will humble itself before him. As for the person whose prime concern is this world, Allah will scatter his affairs, place poverty in front of him and all he will get of this world will be what has been predestined for him.“
Finally, the guards let people out in throngs and when we were able to enter, it was a mob- the closest I felt to being trampled by my own people. Squeezed, sweaty and pulled at the limbs, Alhamdulilah we made it inside.
We found a spot towards the front and was able to take in the scene: Hujjaj everywhere! Sleeping, resting, worshipping, spending the better part of the night here. I offered some raka and went back to Quran. Leaving after Fajr we were welcomed with the colors of sunrise and felt a bit of the heat of the day to bake us. The following day was light and resting made most sense. The bonds in the tent were high as was in general with the hujjaj.
Unexpectedly, it rained very hard that afternoon and we worked together to make sure our tent did not flood. While we were busy clearing out our path, we got word that our scholars had taken buckets, bowls anything to scoop water with and were clearing out the path in front of the sisters' tents.
As a group, we followed our imams for the 2nd day of stoning at Jamrat. Our worship followed the lead of our scholars, and we presented ourselves to our Creator. We ask for its acceptance!
That night again my desire to see the hujjaj enroute to khayf overwhelmed me. I took my time and walked to see people, tents- exchanging pleasantries and reflected on the scale of believers. Khayf's doors were opened but nary a space to sleep. I squeezed in between a few who were lightly sleeping and assured them I'm not planning to sleep and cause more of a land grab. I offered my salah, made dua and headed back to camp. By then salawat was dripping off the tongue in preparation for the trip to Madina. As we prepared for our final tawaf- tawaf wida we arrived back at the haram. It was hot. The motion and buzz of Makkah was electrifying. The Kaaba was awe inspiring and grand sight for the eyes. I wished to visit Jannatul Mualla but our timing with buses would make it impossible. However my unspoken inclination was heard and our bus stopped in front of the cemetery. I imagined the wife of the Habib ﷺ, his uncle, grandfather and mother to be there, (rA).
(VI)
We now set for Madina to visit the city of the Habib ﷺ. I was advised to increase salawat, to lower my voice and give in charity when visiting the Prophet ﷺ. We embarked on the brand new high speed Haramain train. We were the first group of Hujjaj to use the service. The train was quiet, clean, fast and had staffers ready to help with anything or answer any questions the hujjaj had. My mother lost her bag on the platform, and the moment she realized it, before we could go back to search for it, a staffer ran over with her purse. The hospitality and ease of everything really softened us for our next destination. Peering out the window as we were going 100MPH I reflected on the Prophet’s ﷺ hijra through the rugged and rocky desert. Being able to partake in small parts of his life, in wildly different formats- on camel vs. train, in secret vs. openly, was humbling. We were welcomed by the Hajj ministry on arrival, a very easy welcome to Madina Munawara.
We were reminded at some point of our journey- that Makka is where Allah breaks down our nafs and inclinations towards the dunya until we're left alone and can only turn to Allah. In Madina we heal in the presence of the Messenger ﷺ who taught us, purified us and seeks forgiveness for us:
We did not send any Messenger but to be obeyed by the leave of Allah. Had they, after having wronged themselves, come to you and sought forgiveness from Allah, and had the Messenger prayed for their forgiveness, they would certainly have found Allah Most-Relenting, Very-Merciful. 4:64
The time in Madina was calm. The days were short but the moments were filled with blessings. In the Rowda between the apartment of the Prophet ﷺ and the Mimbar from where he ﷺ preached our group spent time there with dua, Quran and Salah.
(VII)
The mornings passed with visits to the cemetery- Jannatul Baqi, making dua that we are buried amongst them, and resurrected alongside Habib ﷺ. On one of the evenings we took a walking tour of Madina, visiting places where historic decisions were made (the wells, the garden, Eid salah). All this was a means to connect our hearts with the sunna and the life of the Prophet ﷺ. On our last days of group activities we toured the first mosque established in Quba by the Prophet ﷺ himself, Mount Uhud- stopping in the heat to see the mountain which is a mountain of paradise. In our individual time we made frequent visits to the Prophet's ﷺ grave and utilized litanies and greetings from our scholars. One of the subtleties of being in Madina is realizing how much the Prophet ﷺ made his mission to take care of people, and all kinds of people- poor, wealthy, young and old, beggars and the privileged. I witnessed this by the diversity of people who made ziyara to convey their love and salaam to him ﷺ. The community was friendly to each other and strangers became friends.
The last hours in Madina were bittersweet. A minor escape from the dunya to be in Madina and knowing fully well the return to society where not everything explicitly revolves around the 5 prayers, ziyara and reviewing the scripture. The practices were meant to be sustained on our return.
We pray for the invitation again and that Allah accepts our efforts and overlook our shortcomings. We ask to be in the company of the righteous and that we are recognized by our Prophet ﷺ on the Day of Resurrection as his followers. All praise is for Allah. Oh Allah send your peace and blessings upon our Messenger Muhammad, his companions, family and all those who follow in his way.